The Brothers Karamazov and Friends

A reckless gallop into the unknown. Please join our host Phil Malcom and his special guest Stefanie Reinsch, devoted reader of only the longest Russian novels. Together in this hour, Phil and Stefanie learn several valuable lessons, including but not limited to: "Poles love money and kolaches", "Dimitri Fyodorovich is a werewolf", and, last but not least, "Sometimes you can't get people to come to your party because they all have lice". As for the story itself, it charges forward, beginning with a desperate horseback ride that culminates in a bizarre party-planning session with a peasant. Will Dimitri's lustful passions end in bloodshed? It remains to be seen. Are there gypsies around? We can only hope. Will we ever finish this very long book? No one can know. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where we don't know enough to know that we should fear the unknown.

An episode of false assumptions. In this week’s reading of The Brothers Karamazov, Dmitri is mistaken about the nature of an old woman’s charity, and our humble readers are mistaken about the proper amount of whiskey someone should consume while recording a podcast. Carrie Todd joins us at the readers’ table with her small reindeer-dog, Lulu and mistakenly assumes that she can break the unwritten no-swearing policy. Yes, dear listeners, there are some swears. Our alarm quickly calms, however, as Carrie assures us that “sometimes adults say words.” On this week’s episode we are also delighted to read about Dmitri’s upcoming lavish party, at which guests can expect to enjoy up to four watermelons. In the midst of all this, Carrie brags about her iPhone, and our two readers engage in a spirited debate about the nature of Dostoevsky’s death. Words are mispronounced, dogs squeal, and a whole lot of peanut butter-filled pretzels are eaten. It’s pretty much a clusterbleep.

In this completely adequate introduction to the second season of our long foray into the endless pile of pages that comprise the greatest novel of all time, Phil is joined by two former guests, each Dostoevsky scholars, who encourage him to continue his quest to read a very long novel. The journey is long, and the path is fraught with dangers, but Mme. Kerns and M. Huckabee voice their strong support. “Read on! Read on!” they say. And so we shall. Join us this week as we remember heartwarming/confusing/unfortunate moments from our first season (some of which are probably better left forgotten) and look ahead to a new collection of characters, chapters, and chaps. Lindsay and Tyler offer suggestions for ways to spice up the second half of the novel, and Phil listens quietly. Is this the best way to revive your interest in a book so long it took us 23 hours to read the first half? Perhaps not. But listen anyway! It’s The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where you always get what you pay for.

A new hope. Join our friend Bryson and our host Phil as they imbue our podcast series with new energy, aiming to contradict all so-called "realists" who nay-say our humble quest. Indeed, there are those who say, "It cannot be done. This book is too long. It is too Russian. There is not enough vodka." To these milquetoast critics, we offer our condolences. But to our dedicated listeners who dare to dream, to those of you who ever bravely embarked on an utterly ill-advised journey, may this podcast continue to serve as your beacon of irrational hope. After all, this is The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, a podcast persevered upon in the praise of folly as much as in friendship.

A little love fest. Join our host Phil and our friend (and Phil's GIRL-friend) Laura Hendrickson, for another delightful chapter in what is sometimes a delightful book. Things start getting steamy for Alyosha Karamazov and Grushenka, and they start heating up for Phil and Laura, too -- but don't worry, gentle listener, that is only because "the room is hot". Join us for gags, giggles, and wine goggles. It's a special episode of The Brothers Karamazov and Friends with Benefits...where the benefits are somber scholarship and perspicacious ponderings.

A tale of smells. Join our host Phil and our friend Tanner Huckabee, a proud graduate of Georgetown University, as they merrily make their way through the miasma of a meaty chapter, "The Odor of Corruption". Oh yes, there are stinks and spirits, wenches and worries to be encountered, but all these are met with vim and vigor by our venerable host and guest. Tanner entertains us with a decidedly redneck interpretation of Russian accents, and also interprets Alyosha's voice with what can only be described as the polar opposite of a Mickey Mouse voice. All in all, this is a very fine episode. As fine as it gets here on the Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where fine is far more than we ever expect.

A mystical discourse. Join our host Phil and our friend Emily Lance, a famous tweeter (if by "famous" we mean that she is approximately one megazillion times more popular on twitter than one certain Phillip Malcom) as they finally finish Father Zosima's seemingly endless speech. Amongst many inspired and inspiring topics, they explore ware-hawking, nasal-robots, smelly-priests and kissing-judges. There is also lots of talk of ecstasy and hellfire, as one might come to expect. One particular highlight of this episode is the surprise visit of additional friends: Adam Fieldson and Aaron Chambers. So many friends! So many brothers! It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where there are just so many things. So many things.

In which we are solipsismal. Join our host Phil and our friend Marc Koenig, Jr., a man of letters, as they wonder and wander through the end of Father Zosima's seemingly endless speech. For those of you who tired of the wise elder Zosima's previous ramblings, take heart: this chapter of his tale sings with secrets and scandal. Some of these secrets are so secret that Marc and Phil feel compelled to whisper them almost inaudibly, an interesting stylistic choice for an audiobook. Along the way, they encounter margin-writing, heart-stabbing, and another tangential and non-revelatory discussion of the nature of Russian duels. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends: slightly less offensive than talk radio.

In which our throats are sore. Join our host Phil and our guest Lindsay as they read several pages in the same throat-scratchy old man voice. To make matters worse, Lindsay suffers from a debilitating cold while reading. She perseveres, and so should you. Suffer with us, listeners, as we listen to the “very brief” ramblings of an old man on his deathbed. We learn, among other things, that Father Zosima was not always an old man, that he once participated in a duel, and that he has a clever plan for converting the world with exactly one hour of Bible reading every week. Lindsay shares an interesting reading of the name “Father Paissy,” and we learn about a saint who once converted a bear with a loaf of bread. It’s the Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where knowledge isn't power.

In which we face another direction entirely. Join our host Phil and our friend Mike Hennings as they abandon the rocking chair and take to the stairs. Mike, recipient of a Guggenheim Fellowship, an Elks Club Scholarship, and several Colonel Mustards, honors us with his presence and whets our appetite with some repetitive vocal warm-up exercises before he goes on to unearth many layers of complex characterization: himself as Christian Bale as Batman as Smerdyakov, and so on. Phil and Mike discuss the metaphysical nature of podcasts, buzzmarket both of their twitter pages, and learn that there was probably nothing better to do in 19th century Russia than drink vodka, speak in very long sentences, and be crazy. It's another imperfectly decent episode of The Brothers Karamazov and Friends. Remember, gentle listeners: we don't punish people for their stupidity, so don't punish us for ours.

A bruised pageantry. Join our host Phil and our friend Joanna as they dig deeper still into the grandest of grand chapters: that of the Grand Inquisitor. In this episode, you will hear voices within voices within voices, as Jo and Phil perform Ivan, Ivan's performance of the Grand Inquisitor, and Ivan's performance of the Grand Inquisitor's performance of Jesus. Jo surprises and delights us with a rendition that wavers between Joey Tribbiani from FRIENDS and a vaguely Italian schoolyard bully, and she also tells us an exciting tale of giving herself a black eye in order to win a pageant in elementary school, the veracity of which is unproven. Join us for an ever-entertaining continuation of this Russian epic. This is the Brothers Karamazov and Friends: not very grand, but very inquisitive.

A dark chapter. Join our host Phil and our friend Topher if you dare, as they bravely proceed and grandly inquire in deep and deeper waters. Many friends have requested to read this chapter with Phil, but Topher, entirely inexperienced in things Karamazov, is the unsuspecting chosen one. Do not be alarmed, gentle listener, when Topher makes borderline racist comments and talks openly about his hatred for Russians. It is best to pretend he is probably joking. Still more, take heart when we encounter descriptions of terrifying Turkish torture, and when we face profound philosophical paragraphs that span pages and pages. Endure with us, listeners. It's the Brothers Karamazov and Friends -- where it is best to pretend we are probably joking. Except, of course, when we are not.

In which we are a threesome. Join our host Phil and our friends Aaron and Elissa Holmes for an hour of caressing voices, languid looks, and womb metaphors. Avid listeners may recognize the soft-spoken British-Russian accents of Aaron, who guested on Episodes 0 and 1, and everyone is sure to be at least moderately entertained by the anecdotes brought to us by Elissa, who relates a woeful tale of a professor who mocks his students' stupidity. Their playful banter, however, is interrupted for one frightful minute when their power goes out and they are (probably) abducted by aliens. Fortunately, the extraterrestrials must be fans of very long Russian books, because they return our guests in time for them to roll their r's deeper into impending patricide, lovely guitar interludes, and dark blue velvet jackets. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where we never mock anyone for being stupid.

In which we end our hiatus. In which we rise from the ashes. In which we return like the King and the Jedi. In which we're baaaaaaaaaaack. Join our host Phil and our friend Nick Dahlquist as they bravely lead us back to the quest in question: reading a very long Russian novel. For our most dedicated TBKAF listeners, Nick's voice will ring familiar. Yes, he is the very one who whipped together a delectable apple pie and served it to our host and guest in episode five. What a literal treat that pie was, and what a literary treat it is to have him back on the program! This episode teems with even more tasty treats: hunchback girl voices, whiskbroom incidents, foul female air, and finger-biting are amongst the many highlights. We also learn that "Everyone knows that Russian boys are born with a horse." Did you know that? We certainly didn't. But this is The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where we don't know everything that everyone knows.

A tale of lords and lands. Join our host Phil and our friend Gary Young, a lawyer, landlord, and learned man, as we venture ever deeper into this tale of progeny and patricide. In a circumlocutory introduction, Gary and Phil confirm that anything you may have heard about the historical figure Albert Watkins is 100% true, and that you should not believe anyone who tells you his history is invented by a bunch of kids with overactive imaginations, because anyone who says that is definitely wrong and doesn't know anything about anything. Moving along, they encounter dark and stormy minds with falsetto voices, grapple with siren interruptions, and engage in an enlightening discussion about Dostoevsky's use of the words "suddenly" and "strain". Gary shows off a Russian accent that exceeds our (low) expectations, and also reveals that he (maybe) once had rabies. Will the excitement never cease on this podcast? It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends: full of surprises, some of them good.

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